Nah, it’s not what you think. I know I’m lucky, I know I’ve more than plenty. This is something else. Something I don’t usually experience these days.
So.I’ll just go for it and get it off my chest, hoping everyone feels the same on occasion.
So! Why is it very hard to be yourself?
If you are flung into a crowd of new people somehow, like if you start a new job, or move somewhere new, or even go out on a date with someone you dont know that well, you feel a little trapped inside your own shell, turtle style, until it’s safe.
There’s nothing wrong with being who you are, but if you speak to someone new, you gauge them. Sounds judgmental, but it’s not. It’s more to see if they present themselves in a way that may indicate they would like the real you, most of the time.
Weirdly, I’ve never admired someone who goes about hiding themselves from the world. I’m quite fond of oddities in people, or those who openly present themselves fearlessly, and aspire to be like them. Usually I do this easily, without pause. So why I’ve gone turtle recently, I don’t know.
It’s almost like I’ve stopped liking myself. Lol. It sounds funny to say that. For the past five, (maybe more) years, ive been very good at being happy in myself. You know, forgiving and loving ‘me’ even if others think im a complete twat.
Today I was not so sure. It’s difficult to say what you think to someone you know almost nothing about. You think, ‘dont really see the point in saying anything anyway’ or ‘you should talk about the weather’ or ‘tell them somthing else, that sucks’ or ‘No! Not that! they wont like it, they’ll think your a nutter’.
How the fuck would I know untill I try? That’s their choice to make, dont you think? — Says the rational, helpful and frank part of me. The part of me I really like, and get on with.
Limp twat Karlee is behind the wheel today. I suppose she’s brave enough to write this post, though.
I guess thats good enough for me. Not poetic, exactly, but it’s nice to know she has some balls.
Right now im on the bus with a super-hot couple of coffees, on my way home to see my man, after a hard day. The place where I can wipe off my lipstick and wear my cute, yellow pikachu onsie in peace.
I got dé ja voux writing this (sp?). This may have happened before — here’s hoping I gather a sensible state of mind again soon, so it can happen all over again.
I wrote this a few months ago, coincidentally just before my ‘no contact’ decision. I’m getting on my feet now. I guess limp twat Karlee wasnt feeling so brave as to post her balls-y post. She wasn’t so limp, or twat-like. I do have to learn to give myself a break.
For those who are interested, it hasn’t happened all over again =) I hope it lasts!